Suburban dangers
The things they said would kill you turn out to be mosty bupkes.
Growing up in 1990s Pax Americana Suburbia was harder knocks than you might think. It turns out, the post-war synthesis of total environment control for the few — at the expense of the environments of billions of others — was full of danger.
Fortunately, for just a small fee an array of products and services were available to protect you from these lurking threats. Your existence in insulated comfort was thus assured!
But this presented a paradox of panic: For every higher level of comfort unlocked would bring increased risk of losing it, requiring subsequent layers of modestly priced protection.
Some might see that as a problem; others, the solution. The truth, though, is it’s both.
The anxiety trap you find yourself in — that’s the trap of freedom. To remind you of its preciousness, and the perilous plane on which it subsists, a constant stream of news-adjacent infotainment was always on hand, offering the perfect symbiosis between the proceeds of the sales of the solutions paying for the content that underscores the problem necessitating said solutions.
Looking back, thankfully from a safe distance, one realizes the only thing we have to fear is suburbia itself. The rest is mostly just
bupkes.
Here is an incomplete list of the things they said would kill you.
rabies
raccoons
skunks
freezer burn
spoiled food
not double-wrapping every item of refrigerated food in plastic wrap and heavy-duty aluminium foil
not getting home from the grocery store within 15 minutes of buying milk
not drinking milk
not abiding by the Food Pyramid
metabolism after 30
falling asleep in the bathtub and drowning
splinters
sleeping with a watch on
sleeping with a necklace on
poison plants of all kinds
stray dogs
dying in a fire because you slept in the sheet fort
dying in a fire also because you just happen to be home and your home is on fire
pool filters
hot tub filters
escalator gaps
getting locked in a refrigerator
getting electrocuted while pulling your toast out of the toaster
getting electrocuted by putting your fingers in an outlet
carbon monoxide poisoning
carbon dioxide poisoning
getting strangled by hood drawstrings
getting dragged to your death by jacket strings
too much fluoride in your drinking water
not enough fluoride in your drinking water
spinning around too many times on the jungle gym
swimming after eating
unpasteurized dairy
sleeping with your contacts in
getting trapped in an elevator
falling to your death because there is no elevator
killer bee stings
killer horsefly bites
sex
downed power lines
burglary
strangers
lightning strikes
alcoholic parents
poisoned Halloween candy
overly hot beverages
identity theft
getting your hand caught in the bowling ball return
antisemitism
shark attacks