A Bupkes Chanukah story

When terrorist zealots defeat pluralist secularism, we celebrate with socks.

Chanukah begins today at sundown, which in December in northern Europe is before lunch. This year, the eight-day Jewish festival of lights is EXTRA MIRACULOUS because it more or less coincides with Christmas. That means you can say “happy holidays” and get away with it — on a technicality. But let’s be honest, you still hear “Merry Christmas” in your head.

So fry another latke, dear subscribers, and gather round the glow of the menorah¹ because Chanukah is here. Again. And so is storytime.

The Bupkes has crashed your dreidel sesh to share the true meaning of the holiday — a fanciful tale of underwhelming wonder and made-up importance, not to be confused with Jewish Christmas, which is when we finally enjoy Chinese food in some goddamn peace and quiet thanks to all the goyim being home with their ham. Or whatever it is they’re doing when appropriating paganism by putting nature in their living room.

Anyway, let’s get on with it. The oil is getting pungent.

It was a long time ago. How long? …